Pop Culture Panic
by Red Witch
Summary: It seems that mutants aren't immune to the freakshow that is the tabloid news. And it's giving Logan a headache.


**Just in the tabloids! My disclaimer saying that I don't own celebrities or X-Men Evolution characters! This bit of brain candy came into my head just after I was watching the news this weekend. Okay maybe it's not exactly the news but it's just fun stuff! **

**Pop Culture Panic**

"Logan! It's an emergency! We have to get the team on this right away!" Kitty jumped up and down in front of Logan.

"What's wrong Kitty? Is it the FOH? Magneto? Apocalypse?" Logan asked.

"No! It's bad! Tiffany Weapons broke down the gates to her rehab clinic again with her SUV and is on an insane drunken rampage!" Kitty told him. "As we speak she is driving around LA in a tacky outfit drunk out of her mind! The girl needs serious help!"

"What?" Logan did a double take. "Run that by me again?"

"She's supposed to be the biggest pop star of the century and she's gone completely nuts! Logan as role models ourselves I think we should go out there and stage an intervention!" Kitty told him.

"Are you freaking **kidding** me?" Logan gave her a look. "Is this a **joke?** Please tell me that this is a joke!"

"It's not a joke Logan it's a **catastrophe!** Tiffany Weapons is going into a full meltdown!" Kitty threw her arms up. "Not only did she shave her head, she shaved her five dogs! Then she gave her dogs **tattoos!** It's madness! **Madness** I tell you!"

"You took the words right out of my mouth," Logan groaned.

"We have to do something!" Kitty shouted.

"Fine give me a call when she sets herself on **fire,"** Logan muttered. "Then we'll get the team over there and roast marshmallows."

"Oh! You're no help at all!" Kitty stormed off.

"What's going on?" Tabitha walked over to Logan.

"Kitty is going into celebrity meltdown again," Logan groaned.

"Let me guess, it's all about Tiffany isn't it?" Tabitha asked.

"Yes," Logan groaned. "She wants to personally lead the X-Men in an intervention for her."

"Forget that!" Tabitha snorted. "That is just plain stupid!"

"I'm glad to see someone around here has some sense," Logan agreed.

"Tiffany Weapons going nuts is the best thing ever! I **hate** that girl!" Tabitha told him. "I've been waiting for this meltdown for years!"

"Now if I can just **find** that person around here that **has** some sense…" Logan recanted his statement. He followed Tabitha to the kitchen where several other students were eating and debating about the latest news.

"I can't believe Tiffany cut off her own hair," Kitty shuddered. "And those poor little dogs…Just because she was mad at her mom! Or was it her dad?"

"That's Mindy Mohan," Sam corrected. "She's the one that's mad at her father. Tiffany is angry at her mother. That's how I tell 'em apart."

"What an idiot!" Rogue snorted. "You don't shave your head to get back at your mother. You get back at your mother by shaving **her** head! Everybody knows that!"

"You've imagined that scenario more than a few times haven't you?" Jean asked.

"Oh like I'm the **only** one!" Rogue gave her a look. Jean agreed with a shrug.

"People if I ever try to shave my head for **any** reason other than a serious illness I give you all permission to **shoot** me!" Kitty told them. "And even then I'd rather be shot!"

"Can we get that in writing?" Rogue asked.

"You know who I feel sorry for is her kids," Danielle said. "Well and her agent. Not to mention her personal hairstylist. That man is out of a job."

"Yeah who'd have thought that her gold digging, club hopping soon to be ex-husband who's already playing the field is the more **stable** parent of the two," Sam remarked.

"WILL YOU KIDS JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THIS STUPID INSANITY! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT TIFFANY WEAPONS!" Logan yelled.

"Yeah let's talk about a more important topic," Bobby agreed. "Guess what! There's now a **sixth** guy coming forward in the Fanna Marloe case claiming to be the father!"

"Oh for crying out loud…" Logan groaned. "As long as it's not Magneto I don't want to **know** about it!"

"Well it's not **him** but uh…" Bobby gulped.

"What?" Logan asked.

"Let's just say you and the Professor really **don't** want to know," Kitty groaned.

"They should just let me testify as a witness," Dead Girl grunted. "I could get the whole mess sorted out in an hour."

"You mean you know who…?" Kitty's jaw dropped.

"Yeah, but I ain't telling," Dead Girl said to them. "I kind of have a bet going on to see how long it will take for the world to figure it out."

"Oh leave the poor dead woman alone," Rogue said. "It ain't right to drag her name though the mud no matter how much of a drugged out overweight mental case she was!"

"Especially since she did a great job doing it to herself when she was alive," Betsy agreed.

"I'm just curious here," Hank held up his hand. "Did anyone just happen to catch **any **news coverage of any **real **news in the world? You know Iraq? Iran? Darfur? Global Warming? Mutant affairs? Human rights issues? **Anything?**"

"Well…" Sam scratched his head. "Oh! That Japanese baseball player showed up at spring training early today!"

"I also heard that Donald Trump bet his hair that his wrestler would win!" Bobby added.

"Those things are so rigged," Roberto rolled his eyes.

"They are not!" Bobby snapped at him. "The Grammys were rigged, not wrestling!"

"Oh well that's pretty much a given," Roberto conceded.

"Yeah everybody knows that," Rogue agreed. "Hey Idol starts voting tonight!"

"Cool! I can't wait!" Everyone cheered at the table.

"That's what I thought…" Hank hung his head low. Just then Jamie ran into the room. "Jamie what's the rush?"

"Tiffany Weapons just got into a shoot out with Mindsey Mohan!" Jamie told them as he turned on the news.

"What?" Everyone shouted.

"It was a bloody day on Rodeo Drive," The news reporter who looked and sounded like Joel McHale spoke. "Tiffany Weapons and Mindy Mohan literally ran into each other at this busy intersection. Actually they ran their cars into each other after running **over **a few people on the sidewalk. The two ladies for lack of a better word…Actually there **is** a better word but I can't say it or else I'd get fined by the network…Got into a heated argument over who was to blame. Then they both brought out their gold plated personal handguns and started shooting each other. Actually their aim with weapons was pretty much the same as their driving skills so neither of them hit each other. That's the only thing they **didn't** hit."

"Oh lord…" Hank groaned.

"Three hairstylists, a personal shopper and two valets were taken to the hospital with minor injuries," The Reporter continued. "However there was one victim that was not so lucky, a Chihuahua named Lou was shot in the hindquarters and taken to the finest Beverly Hills Veterinary Hospital where he was pronounced in wagging condition. However his nose is still slightly dry."

"This just gets stupider and stupider…" Logan moaned.

"Shouldn't that be more stupid?" Hank paused trying to remember the correct grammar.

"Either way we lose," Logan told him.

"Every single lawyer and publicist in the state of California is on full alert," The Reporter went on. "Movie Studios and writers are on standby. This is a Code OJ people! A Code OJ! We will have full uninterrupted coverage of this tragic event so we will have to pre-empt regularly scheduled programs and the Presidential Address to the Nation tonight."

"Come on we gotta go see all the footage on the internet!" Sam shouted.

"To the chat rooms!" Kitty raised a fist in the air.

"And they're off…" Hank sighed as the kids fled the room.

Xavier was nearly run over by the students fleeing the room. "What's going on?"

"You don't want to know," Logan sighed.

"Well I have some good news," Xavier said. "I believe that the president is going to speak about mutant rights tonight on his address. This may be very helpful to us."

"Don't bet on it," Logan pointed to the television.

"We will have twenty four hour coverage of the Tiffany/Mindy feud on this network and every other network station on the planet," The reporter told his audience. "Except for some local cable channel in Saskatoon that's dedicated to teaching people how to ice fish. Oh wait that channel is going to have Tiffany's trainer's brother's cousin as a guest star but still it's not the same."

"Oh…" Xavier rubbed his head.

"So much for **that** plan," Logan groaned.

The reporter continued. "Also Mutant terrorist Legion has now become the sixth or seventh person to claim to be the father of Fanna Marloe's baby."

"Actually Legion could be six **through** nine!" Logan groaned. "Depending on which personality had the car keys.

"The judge in the paternity trial has now been suspended by the Bar Association because he was trying to sell a musical about the trial he had written as well as a plot for a sitcom," The reporter went on. "And this just in: The American Idol judges are now in a three way brawl in a water bar in downtown LA."

"You know Charles I just thought of something," Logan said. "We should make all our kids movie and music stars and then have them run around and cause chaos! We'd get a lot more good publicity **that** way!"


End file.
